Does your work exhaust you daily? If you feel you fit in your work, you work within your energy. In this episode, Stan Padgett explains the importance of understanding the difference between masculine energy and feminine energy. He discusses the role of these energies within relationships. Stan points out that appearances are not always what they say, and instead get in touch with the little voice within ourselves. Tune in to this episode to guide you through tapping into our energies!
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Masculine Energy / Feminine Energy
Welcome to episode nine, Masculine Energy/Feminine Energy. Masculine energy and feminine energy are concepts that transcend the debate in our society right now over gender identity and sexual orientation. They’re principles. That’s not going to excuse us from talking about the hard topics that we’re dealing with in society that affect all of our relationships, our intimate, personal, and business relationships. We’re going to take all three of them. I’m going to give you my quick take on them, and then we’re going to talk about how masculine energy and feminine energy underlie all of those topics.
For me, number one, gender is not fluid. Gender is biology. That begins at the moment of conception. From the time that your father contributed either an X or a Y chromosome to the X that your mother had already provided, your gender was fixed. It will remain the same at a DNA level for every second and every moment of your life. Nothing that you think, believe, or identify with changes your gender. You are simply male or female biologically.Gender is not fluid. Gender is biology. Click To Tweet
Gender identity is completely different. Gender identity is how you identify, and it’s volitional. It is something that is subject to your determination, your consciousness, and your will, as is a sexual orientation, and those are changeable. Gender itself is not. It is immutable because it functions literally from a DNA level out.
When we talk about those things, we talk about how they affect relationships. We have an infinite variety of relationships in society. The ones that I’m talking about and the ones that Cracking the Relationship Code focuses on are our intimate relationships. We’re trying to create a circumstance where we have joyful and fulfilling relationships that are safe and nurturing environments to raise children in.
At the end of the day, we stop raising children. Our society ends no matter what we call it. Progressive, regressive, liberal, conservative, none of those labels matter. At the end of the day, what we teach our children and the decisions that they make based on what we’ve taught them and their own sense of self is what determines what society looks like long after we’re gone.
Let’s talk about what masculine energy is. We are energetic creatures. When you go to the cellular level, I think ATP is the substance that creates energy to allow yourself to move and things to work. When that stops, that’s the state we call death. We’re no longer sentient. We’re no longer human. We’re gone. Masculine energy, what does that really mean?
It tends to be a type of energy. At least in my generation or my growing-up years, which I realized was back when dirt was still rocks, masculine energy is associated with the male gender. It is very different. It’s a strength, power, and focused energy and tends to be task-oriented. Find something and get it done. It also seems to be very one-dimensional. It takes a variety of tasks and breaks it down. Male energy tends to focus on one thing at a time. I’ll do that the best I can, then I’ll come back and I’ll look at what else I can do.
Feminine energy, on the other hand is powerful, joyful, playful, free-flowing, creative, nurturing, and comforting. In the society that I particularly grew up in and much of what we have now, there are roles that tend to be filled by people who function from a place of feminine energy and roles that are filled by people who function from not exclusively masculine energy, but largely. While the stereotypes in the roles don’t apply, what we expect energetically out of those roles tends to be pretty consistent whether or not a man or a woman holds the role.
What we’re finding is, one of the reasons there may be so much dissatisfaction with our work lives, so much lack of fulfillment is that many people are acting in roles that are not congruent with who they truly are energetically. Does our level of masculine energy and feminine energy change? Yes. Do all of us have some of it in some proportion? Yes. Do we always work off the same level? No, we don’t. In the main, people tend to be one or the other. They tend to come from a place of masculine energy most of the time, and that is the most congruent with themselves. Others come from a place of feminine energy, and that’s more congruent with who they are at their core.
One of the things that we call stress in life is when we are not acting consistently with who we are at our core or we’re not behaving consistently. We are filling roles that don’t match who we really are. For many years in the workplace, this has been a double burden for women, many of whom are very feminine by nature. Yet in the workplace, if they are going to progress, they’re going to be leaders, managers, or owners, they have had to function from a place that we typically associate with masculine energy. What that causes is unhappiness. It’s not congruent. They don’t feel fulfilled.
Labels Divide Us
Why have we gotten into this debate in this country about a label called toxic masculinity? If you’ve tuned in to any of these shows, you’re going to hear me push back on labels of virtually every kind because labels divide us. Can you think of a label that we apply to people regularly in our society that unites us and binds us, that reduces, eliminates, and minimizes perceived differences so that we act together and we feel a sense of community, a bonding of connection to people? Labels tend to do the opposite. They tend to divide us. If I can avoid labels, I do.
There are a couple of generic ones that I think we ought to look at and we ought to focus on. If you are a person of faith, then one label that applies to every human on the planet is a child of God. That makes us all brothers and sisters. That can create a great sense of connection and community. Even if you take the faith-based piece out of it, we are all human. That is our first affiliation. We are human. That can create a connection.
If we take it to the nationalistic perspective and say, “I am an American. I feel a kinship and affinity with other men, women, children of all race, sex, color, creed, and other who are Americans. Believe that we can and should work together to build a more perfect union that Lincoln wanted. We ought to be able to find solutions together, find the good in each other, build each other up, build up our nation, build up our community.”
Those labels, you have the ability to use positively. Most other labels, we don’t. They don’t have a positive connotation. They don’t create a sense of community. They don’t create a sense of unity. They don’t bind us together. They don’t incentivize us to work together to find common ground. There ought to be an awful lot of things that we could say we ought to do together. We ought to be able to say, “We want our children to be safe. We all want them to be educated, not indoctrinated. We want them to have an opportunity to progress to the limits of their courage, competence, character, and commitment.” No matter what background or ethnic group they come from, we shouldn’t care about those things. We should focus on what do we do together.
Let’s take these macro issues. Let’s bring them down to the relationship level. Let’s take that label that we started with here, toxic masculinity, and say, “What the heck are we talking about?” In many respects, it’s used simply as a derogatory term for men generally. When we are generalizing, we’re almost always wrong. We are not looking at an individual.
It is interesting. People who are the most willing to apply labels that generalize often claim to be the ones most focused on the individual and the rights of the individual. If you’re labeling someone before you meet them, know them, and interact with them, you’re generalizing and labeling. You are not focused on the individuals. You’re incongruent with your own professed beliefs.
Let’s break down masculine energy. There are two types. We don’t teach our children this. Frankly, in many cases, it puts them at risk, but it also makes it difficult for them to understand how to form loving, lasting lifetime relationships. Let’s take masculine energy. That typically comes with physical strength, physical power, often financial strength, and sometimes emotional strength, force of will.
Selfless And Selfish Masculine Energy
There are still two types of that. There is selfless masculine energy and selfish masculine energy. Let’s see if we can identify some characteristics of those two completely different types of masculinity or masculine energy. Selfless masculine energy takes the strength, whether physical, financial, emotional, or mental, that person possesses and uses it to meet the needs of others. To protect, to strengthen, and to lift up. That is selfless or what I call safe masculine energy.
There’s a second type. Before we get even to the second type, selfless masculine energy is giving, selfish masculine energy is taking. It’s using physical, financial, emotional, and intellect to meet that individual’s needs at whatever expense, the expense of other people’s needs. Even those they should be loving and protecting.
How do we simply see this manifested in popular culture in movies and others? We have a culture that women can frankly expect to encounter selfish masculine energy many times in their lives. That’s the energy that is taking energy that says, “If I like the way you look, or even if I just want to dominate you, I’m going to do that physically, and I don’t care about your needs and how that impacts you today, tomorrow, and the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter because it’s about me. I’m going to cover my needs. I don’t care about yours.” That’s selfish. That’s why we have rape, abuse, and any negative label you want to it.
It’s absolutely real. It’s why so many of our young women are, in fact, feminine and are attracted to masculine energy. They get attracted, even if it’s situations where it’s date rape, where they have been attracted to this person, this masculine energy, at least enough to go out with them. It’s not just a random attack, and then they are taken advantage of by that person.
They haven’t been taught to recognize the difference between selfish masculine energy, which is taking and not protecting. It doesn’t matter about protecting your needs, wants, and physical body and selfless or safe masculine energy. I’m hopeful that any woman tuning in to this show has had the experience of being with a man who is masculine by nature, where they feel safe, protected, and comfortable. They own an instinctive level, know that that man is strong enough to protect them. He’s not a threat to them. He will not use his physicality to hurt them.
If we can teach our daughters that, we can teach them that there is safe masculine energy. What that does is it allows the feminine energy to flow. That flowing energy gets bottled up, damned up, confined, and contained when it doesn’t have an outlet or when it’s not safe to be feminine. We have created a perception that somehow feminine energy, a very feminine woman, is weak. It’s simply not true. A woman can be incredibly strong, capable, or black belt and still be inherently feminine at her core.
What is it that we try to do when we want to create a magical relationship? If you are a man and you come from a place of masculine energy most of the time and it’s safe masculine energy, what you want to do and what you have the ability to do is this. If you can project safe masculine energy, you have the ability to create for a feminine woman, somebody who is very feminine at her core, a safe place for her to be totally feminine. Let go of the masculine roles that she’s been forced to play by circumstance, situation and money, and to be feminine. When she does that, it’s like opening the Pandora’s box. That’s not what I think. I think it’s like opening a treasure box where all that feminine energy, flowing, creative, joyful, and playful energy comes out.
What that does for a man is it wraps you up in it. It soothes, comforts, and excites a masculine man in a way that nothing else will. Someone who is truly masculine at their core cannot create that energy on their own. They can receive it as a gift from a feminine woman who feels safe enough, trusts, respects, and loves them enough to give that free-flowing part of them up and say, “I am going to be me. You’ve given me that gift and I’m going to give you all of my gifts.” That is absolutely magical.
The interesting thing is, I used to hear in the movies, how come the bad boys get all the girls? They project more directly masculine energy. The girls that are attracted to it haven’t been taught the difference. They haven’t been taught to understand the difference between safe masculine energy or selfless masculine energy on the one hand and toxic, taking, dangerous masculine energy on the other.
What if they could recognize the difference? What if you could explain the difference to them and help them to see some objective behaviors that they can look for as clues, or in poker speak, tells of what someone’s like? That’s tough in dating guys. It really is because, in dating, we all try to put our best foot forward. We want to be the best version of ourselves. That’s the ideal. Someone is being true to themselves. They’re trying to be the best version of themselves.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happens a great percentage of the time. People pretend to be something they’re not while they’re dating, thinking that they can attract someone who wouldn’t be attracted to them if they were themselves. I can give you a fun story about internet dating. Someone who was very close to me for a long period of time, a lady who went through a divorce, a good friend of our family, has been forever, knows all of our children, and loves our children, had been single for a time. It was the beginning of the internet dating age, the apps that people can meet people on dating sites.
She had gone onto one of them and posted her profile. At some point, she was reached out to by someone else, a gentleman, and they began to talk some. After they communicated for a while, they got to talking about where they each lived. Obviously, internet dating lets you reach out and touch someone from a great distance. It turns out that the gentleman was living in the same area I do. This young lady had moved away many years ago. I hadn’t seen her face-to-face for a number of years.
They got talking, and it turns out she says, “I’ll bet you know,” me. The guy said, “Who are you talking about?” When she told him my name, the conversation ended and he never contacted her again. It’s because he knew that I knew exactly who he was and he was not at all as he had represented himself on the internet. He knew that once the lady that my wife and I knew well made that connection, the next thing she was going to do was call me and say, “Tell me about him.” He knew how that call would go because I knew quite a bit about him. I dealt with him many times.
Remember that appearances are not always what they say. I would like to figure out a way, I don’t yet know, and maybe some of you do. If you do, I’d love for you to reach out to me and share your thoughts and ideas. We need to figure out a way to get people in touch with whether it’s intuition, inspiration, revelation, or whatever you want to call it based on your own background so that we learn to listen to that little voice in us. A lot of times, as long as we’re not impaired by some substance, we get the thought when we’re in a certain situation or with a certain person, “This doesn’t feel quite right.” We talk to ourselves.
The logical part of our brain says, “She’s very pretty. She’s nice. He’s tall. He’s handsome. He’s rich. He’s got a great car.” Logically, our brain says, “Don’t worry about that. We got this. It’s good.” It’s almost never good. It’s that little voice that you got. It’s something you need to learn and you need to teach your children to listen to. That’s why, particularly with young children, we have to listen to them very carefully and not disregard what they say.
Do they sometimes make things up? Yes, but they often tell truths that we just don’t want to hear. We need to listen because we need to teach them, “Be in touch with that inner part of you. That early warning system that says, ‘This is a bad idea.’” There was a meme on Facebook I saw that said, “A tremendous number of visits to the emergency room have been preceded by the words, ‘Watch this.’” We need to think before we start out with the “Watch this” stories.
We should teach each other or we teach our children that it’s okay to listen to that voice. It says, “I’m not comfortable.” “Would you like me to pick you up?” “No, let’s meet someplace.” I would encourage anybody who’s dating at this point, if it’s not somebody that you know or not being referred by somebody you know very well and have met more than once in a group situation, if you are going to connect with somebody on a date for the first time, I’d suggest you meet there. I don’t care if you take an Uber, take a cab, drive your car, whatever it is, meet someplace. That lets you get face-to-face in a public place where you can then listen to that still small voice of yours.
At the same time, the person you’re with doesn’t know where you live, not necessarily where you work, and you’re going to make sure that somebody else walks you to the car if you have any uncomfortable feeling at all. One of the gifts too that often comes with feminine energy is a much greater sense of intuition.
I believe that women or females tend to be more emotionally intelligent than men and certainly more in touch with their emotions and with their intuition. Don’t talk yourself out of your intuition. What do we do to make masculine energy and feminine energy real in a relationship? Number one is to go back to one of the core principles. Honesty or trust.
Trust is based on honesty. You can’t pretend to be one person while you’re dating and be someone else when you’re married and expect your relationship to last. It won’t because you’re not who they bargained for. It also means that all this time you were dating, preparing to enter into a serious relationship, you were being dishonest. You were lying to them.
Let’s call it what it is. It was just a flat-out lie. It was a façade. It was a ruse. You can apply a lot of negative terms to it, and they probably all fit. There is someone out there who will absolutely love and adore you for you. That’s the person you want to be with, not the one who decides they want to be with somebody you’re pretending to be.
What are some of the signs we’re going to talk to our children about watching? If they’re dealing with adults, watch how those adults treat other people. How do they talk to them? What tone of voice do they use? Are they getting physically aggressive with people in a situation where they don’t understand that there’s any need for that to happen?
If it’s a dating situation, male or female, there is some measure to be taken from the friends that you surround yourself with. Who are they? What do they do? Are they uplifting? Are they positive? Are they dark? Are they angry? What are they? Ultimately, you tend to surround yourself with people that you feel most comfortable with. If you walk into a group of your dating partner’s friends, and it’s a group of people you’re not comfortable with, then that relationship shouldn’t start, much less continue. If it starts in a place that you are not comfortable being, why would you go back?
Fool you once, shame on them. Fool you twice, shame on you. You’ve got a responsibility to yourself. Understand that the first thing you do is work on yourself because until you are comfortable being alone, you’re not ready to be in a relationship. You are simply bouncing from emotional support to emotional support because you haven’t gotten yourself to the point where you’re strong enough to stand on your own two feet.Work on yourself because until you are comfortable being alone, you're not ready to be in a relationship. Click To Tweet
I would bring this back full circle, honesty with yourself. We’ve talked about this in prior episodes. You got to be brutally honest with yourself. You need to say, “Who am I if I stop all the electronic noise, friends, posts, Facebook, and sports?” I go sit down out in nature for four hours and say, “I want to think about who I am. What am I comfortable doing? What’s my outlook?” You start to say, “Where am I coming from? Am I coming from a place typically of masculine energy? Am I coming from a place of feminine energy?”
Once you’ve been honest with yourself about where you are, then you can figure out who you are compatible with. A truly feminine woman, in order for her to be able to be fully feminine, needs masculine energy. She needs safe masculine energy to create that space for her to truly feel the joy in life that is her birthright. She’s entitled to it, but she has to go about intentionally creating the circumstances to have it.
On the other hand, if you are a masculine man and you are able to come from a place of safe masculine energy, and there is a feminine woman. Even if she acts in the workplace, in her job, or in her business in a masculine role but she is at her core feminine and is able to let go of the mask when she is with you, that can be an amazing relationship.
Masculine energy and feminine energy, neither connote strength nor weakness. When you have them both and you’re honest about where you are and you put them together, you can have something special. A masculine man can feel confident and capable of protecting and providing that safe space for the feminine woman to give him back the free-flowing, spontaneous energy, joyful and playful things that he isn’t capable of generating for himself.
Find a way to find out who you are to be who you are in your relationship so that you’re congruent, so that you take that stress out of your life, no matter how many others you got to deal with. I hope this has helped you some. I hope it’s helped you in a way to think about how to analyze the relationships that you’re in, how to build on those relationships, and how to strengthen yourself and each other. Have a wonderful day.